Today

my little dude was talking to himself while playing his game, we were both sitting and playing video games, just enjoying the day together, & he says to himself something about his mom. I jokingly respond with “your mom..” and basically repeated what he had said back to him. (Can’t remember what it was, just something random and silly) & he said “nooo I was talking about YOU mormaaa”…

It really got me thinking about all our time together- all of us. This will be my FIFTH Christmas that I’ll get to spend with M, who is only 6. How much has changed in that time… my brain can hardly wrap around it. I go back over these photos and videos of K & M laughing and playing and creating and snuggling and exploring and my heart explodes and my body rushes with SO much emotion. So full of emotion-

The joy of seeing these two little people that I love with my whole being literally exist. I get to create these memories with my very own favorite people- including my partner. Dre and I are getting to love and encourage and nurture these amazing beings, that somehow we created and then brought together. The swell of joy I feel from that is just incredible, there aren’t enough words to describe the feeling. Like sunlight is bursting from my insides out…

Which is how it starts to burn. Burn with the fears, the worries, the anxiety, the stress… the wondering if what I’m doing is good enough, the feeling of crushing guilt and failure when I *know* that I’m not, or that I could be doing better. The fears that everything won’t be enough, that this world will hurt my babies, that this world could steal parts of them or change them. All the worries that come along with the reality that I can’t save them from this world and the darkness in it. It burns because what’s now won’t be forever. It burns because I’m so in love with our family, I don’t want to miss a moment of it- moments that shared custody, chronic illness/pain, etc feel like they’re snatching up faster and faster. Time just goes faster and faster and the burning reality of time is just the sad irony I’m struggling to escape.